Half Jill + Half Jack

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 08:51:27 GMT

well i got a new look to my journal... and i got a new journal... being a greatest journal... diff format... screen name for that is absinthe_faerie... aswell as my reallife journal... then my hate book... or as i call it self loathing book lol... but yea... im alive... things happen... funerals to peform at... you get the drift...

<333cassius

-6- contact with sempiternalgrief

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 10:54:52 GMT

sempiternalgrief: slurrrrrrr
sempiternalgrief: slurrrrrrr
hag slurry: eeep
hag slurry: ello
hag slurry: do u like penguins?
sempiternalgrief: EEP IS RIGHT!
sempiternalgrief: and i adore penguins
sempiternalgrief: do you like the pandapus?
sempiternalgrief: its a platypus with panda coloring!
hag slurry: YES!@!!
hag slurry: CAN I RAPE THEM
sempiternalgrief: that depends...
sempiternalgrief: normally that is only allowed between the 5th of septemberween and the fourtyteenth of januly
sempiternalgrief: we might squeeze you in for good behavior though
hag slurry: aww well can i share with y
hag slurry: u*
sempiternalgrief: no.. you can never share with me!
hag slurry:
sempiternalgrief: if yuou do... you might get raped!
hag slurry: but it wouldnt be rape if i want it
sempiternalgrief: ..g
sempiternalgrief: god damn!
hag slurry: :P
sempiternalgrief: i love you =P

AHAHAHAHAHHA!!! I LOVE HIM HAHA

*sigh*

I miss my penguin mistress

-5- a pathetic whore

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 07:39:38 GMT

well.... the past few days have been psycho.... I've just been... in weird moods...

but we'll save the explaination for that... for another day....

I'll update later....

<333cassie

-4- Why the hell can't we all accept?

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 08:28:43 GMT

figures... I really wanted to rant but what's a rant when there's nothing to rant about?

the answer is it is non existant... however I would like to post something i had posted in myspace a while back about acceptance i guess....

here goes
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

well umm iunno I got alot of shit running through my mind atm... especially the juggalo fam... whats up with that I mean... all the hating... I went into a chat room... all the came out with was insults to one another... what the FUCK is up with that... I mean I got so much love for you guys... but if all your going do is hate... fuck em ya know... cause all they do is put eachother down.... i mean i got respect for each and everyone of my fam... and I know for a fact that if one of my homies dissed or hated on another lo/lette/ninja/ette I'd be hella dissapointed in them...

So I guess if any juggalos er lettes come across this entry... keep the fam togeather... show a little love to one another... cause... they aint doin u harm... yea some people make mistakes... but they are never out to hurt any of you... they show mad wicked clown love... so yea....

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well I guess this somewhat short entry not only has to do with just juggalos but it also has to do with all Clinques i guess... I mean even in the Metal scene.... people are throwing insults left right and centre at eachother... why the hell can't we all just get along?!?!?!

I have no idea what the HELL is going on with this world but its going haywire I tell you.....

*sigh* another post another day.....

Cassandra

-3- So pathetic... you're a ragdoll

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 09:20:00 GMT

I feel... lost...and so very... very empty?

I don't know whats going on any more... some of the old feelings in which I thought I had buried MONTHS ago... has arisen once again... for example the ragdoll theory...

as much as I hate admitting this... knowing... if she were to ever read this... knowing me... I'll give in to her plead to read this somewhat sanctuary...

*takes a deep breath*

I miss her....

theres not one milli-second that passes without somewhat of a memory from when both her and I were togeather...

let alone the realisation of what I had lost/gained... personally from this experiance... I have gained nothing... people say give it time... people say... you will realise things that you have gained from this experiance...

It's all bullshit!!!

I snapped lastnight... somewhat realisation of what I have lost mixxed in with the memory of dreams we once... well what I had thought shared... dreams of LIFE togeather... for all eternity... marrige...

now... it means nothing to her... the fact that she is passing herself over to someone else...

honestly... hasn't really sunk in atm... probably because cassie is too god damned thick?!?!?!

oh well.. she can't help that... being dumb and all...

these past few days... I've realised... I know all my mistakes... I always have... I've just played dumb... and waited until some poor soul came along to fix it... i think thats mostly the problems why... my relationships go to the shit house... because I sit there.. and wait for them to fix themselves... but they wont...

bleh... stupid stupid cassie...

bottom line is...

cassie is pathetic for loving her soon... because cassie KNOWS she has not a chance of getting her back... give up... get over it... and fucking grow up... there we go cassie... important message for your thick brain...

*sigh*

you're so fucking pathetic....

YOU'RE A FUCKING RAGDOLL!!!

Cassandra

-2- convo with a schitsophrenic

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 19:33:45 GMT

illfatedlocust : you do these things to yourself
illfatedlocust : you let them happen
illfatedlocust : what did I tell you over and over again ?...
illfatedlocust : "Dont trust anyone"
her_screams_are_silent: .... so u want me 2 live like noone can be my friend
illfatedlocust : oh
illfatedlocust : I see that they are your friends
her_screams_are_silent: bleh not in that sence
her_screams_are_silent: what about the ones over there
illfatedlocust : I have no fucking friends
illfatedlocust : so I wouldnt fucking know
illfatedlocust : you let people close to you and they will fucking kill you
illfatedlocust : know that
her_screams_are_silent: thats because u dont trust anyone
illfatedlocust : oh, and I can obviously see that your trust has gotten you far
her_screams_are_silent: its got me friends
illfatedlocust : that rape you
illfatedlocust : yeah
illfatedlocust : good friends.
illfatedlocust : No, you dont betray me- you didnt betray me
illfatedlocust : you betrayed yourself.
her_screams_are_silent: ur my other half
her_screams_are_silent: i betrayed u
illfatedlocust : Not even
illfatedlocust : You let yourself down
her_screams_are_silent: so im nothing 2 u nemore
illfatedlocust : You have to mean more to yourself
her_screams_are_silent: I DONT MEAN SHIT TO MYSELF
her_screams_are_silent: AND U KNOW THAT
illfatedlocust : Well do something about it
illfatedlocust : I dont mean shit to you
illfatedlocust : or else, you would try harder
illfatedlocust : And know that someone loves
illfatedlocust : you
illfatedlocust : and cares about you
illfatedlocust : and that must mean your better than nothing
illfatedlocust : or I would be by myself
her_screams_are_silent: ?
illfatedlocust : If you were dirt, I wouldnt love you
illfatedlocust : Get with it
illfatedlocust : you're not worthless
illfatedlocust : but you are trying to make yourself worthless
illfatedlocust : and it is effecting us
her_screams_are_silent: if i became it u wouldnt love me?
illfatedlocust : I would have nothing to love
illfatedlocust : If you were nothing
her_screams_are_silent: hmmm
illfatedlocust : you are losing everything about you I cared for
illfatedlocust : your fucking mind
BUZZ!!!
her_screams_are_silent: my mind?
illfatedlocust : you are losing your fucking mind
illfatedlocust : GET WITH IT
BUZZ!!!
illfatedlocust : when are you going to wake up and realize what we have and you are killing
her_screams_are_silent: we had
illfatedlocust : your fault
her_screams_are_silent: it always is
illfatedlocust : And I never said that to you
illfatedlocust : I never said it was ever your fault
illfatedlocust : for anything
illfatedlocust : except this
illfatedlocust : because you are giving up
illfatedlocust : I cant make you want to be with me
illfatedlocust : and you obviously dont
her_screams_are_silent: ..............
her_screams_are_silent: WHAT THE HELL
her_screams_are_silent: I WANT TO BE WITH YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING
illfatedlocust : show me
illfatedlocust : do it
illfatedlocust : If you want to be with me, then do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
her_screams_are_silent: why are we like this
her_screams_are_silent: we never used 2 be
illfatedlocust : you keep freaking out on me
illfatedlocust : and I snapped today
illfatedlocust : Im not fucking perfect
her_screams_are_silent: snaped? frealomg pit pm ypu?
illfatedlocust : looks are cheap and easy to put on your door, friends are shit and never exist- people only want to fuck you over, live- learn
illfatedlocust : dont make the same mistakes twice
illfatedlocust : start fighting back and stop being so fucking passive
illfatedlocust : everything you tell me, how you handle it all- its just passive agressive bullshit
illfatedlocust : And that gets you to 0 real fast
illfatedlocust : It makes me think you want to be fucking hurt
illfatedlocust : You're so massochistic to your emotions
illfatedlocust : you need to stop laying down when people try to dominate you
illfatedlocust : start fucking fighting back- and being smart about it
her_screams_are_silent: so what tell everyone to fuck off but you
illfatedlocust : you dont have to tell me
illfatedlocust : Im going to
illfatedlocust : Im going to vanish for awhile
illfatedlocust : you need to start taking my advice
illfatedlocust : I care- but not for long if you dont even want to fucking try
illfatedlocust : the word is: lost cause
illfatedlocust : And that is what we are becoming
illfatedlocust : you want me ?
illfatedlocust : get me.
illfatedlocust : you're smart.
illfatedlocust : you know you could find a way.
illfatedlocust : you already got this far
illfatedlocust : "you and me, we're in this together now- none of them can stop us now- we can make it through some how"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
illfatedlocust : Im becoming my old self
illfatedlocust : And I am going to be like this for a fucking while now
illfatedlocust : I wont have peace like I did inside
illfatedlocust : I am fucking HATE now
her_screams_are_silent: figures
illfatedlocust : just fucking do what you want
illfatedlocust : you have to fight for me though
illfatedlocust : and fight alot
illfatedlocust : the longer you take, the more you screw up, the more you give up, the more you hurt yourself, the more you act so fucking passive- the more you fucking lose me
her_screams_are_silent: so the one who u supposedly LOVE has to fight for you...
her_screams_are_silent: i dont see the point now
her_screams_are_silent: fuck it....
her_screams_are_silent: fuck you
her_screams_are_silent: fuck me
her_screams_are_silent: fuck us
illfatedlocust : your choice
illfatedlocust : not mine
her_screams_are_silent: no yours
illfatedlocust : ::: shrug :::
her_screams_are_silent: your the asshole
illfatedlocust : Not at all
illfatedlocust : thankyou
her_screams_are_silent: lier
illfatedlocust : I am the asshole now
illfatedlocust : I am
illfatedlocust : see
her_screams_are_silent: you never used to be
illfatedlocust : I am horrible
illfatedlocust : I know
illfatedlocust : This is the old me
illfatedlocust : not jonathan
her_screams_are_silent: bleh
illfatedlocust : J0N
her_screams_are_silent: some retard thats who u r
illfatedlocust : ...
illfatedlocust : great
illfatedlocust : It hurts
illfatedlocust : but I am so angry at your passive agressive bullshit that I cant care anymore
illfatedlocust : I miss you
illfatedlocust : but you dont fucking want me
illfatedlocust : you said it yourself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
illfatedlocust : Hold to it
illfatedlocust : Dont walk away
her_screams_are_silent: THIS 21ST CENTUARY ASSHOLE ISNT THE ONE I USED TO LOVE
illfatedlocust : Like you are
her_screams_are_silent: THIS 21ST CENTURY ASSHOLE ISNT MINE
her_screams_are_silent: AND NEVER WILL BE
illfatedlocust : you always did this
illfatedlocust : Thats why you talked and I didnt
illfatedlocust : I dont like to
illfatedlocust : because people cant handle the truth
illfatedlocust : Nor you love
illfatedlocust : your pain is sweet agony, but your tongue is fire to the fruitful ways of man
her_screams_are_silent: so why fucking love me
illfatedlocust : you lay down to such that graces your path
her_screams_are_silent: why bother
illfatedlocust : you were not such before
illfatedlocust : death took such tolls on you, "cassius"
her_screams_are_silent: im not the one who dissapeared off the top of the earth
her_screams_are_silent: i called you
her_screams_are_silent: i cried to you
her_screams_are_silent: i begged for you
her_screams_are_silent: you never answered
her_screams_are_silent: you never called
her_screams_are_silent: not one peep
illfatedlocust : I wasnt there
her_screams_are_silent: only a oh im sorry hes moving to vegas
illfatedlocust : The infernal machine I was on broke
her_screams_are_silent: what a month later
illfatedlocust : ...
illfatedlocust : you have become so spiteful
illfatedlocust : so hateful towards me
her_screams_are_silent: spiteful....
her_screams_are_silent: spiteful.... heh such grace doesnt even begin to fall apon my path....
illfatedlocust : Do you dare to fathom such agony you always have put me through
illfatedlocust : Do you dare ?
her_screams_are_silent: i dare
illfatedlocust : Then witness
her_screams_are_silent: because i know i hurt you
her_screams_are_silent: and i KNOW
her_screams_are_silent: im only getting it back
her_screams_are_silent: i have the guts to destroy those i care about
her_screams_are_silent: but i dont behold the guts to take up the pain i get in return
her_screams_are_silent: so i run away from it
her_screams_are_silent: become colder and colder
her_screams_are_silent: till i end up with nothing
her_screams_are_silent: then bitch
illfatedlocust : Run sweet fly, for your wings will only get you so far
her_screams_are_silent: to people that i have nothing
her_screams_are_silent: its only a cycle
illfatedlocust : you must face your folly
illfatedlocust : cycles are only telling you of things
illfatedlocust : messages
illfatedlocust : repitition
illfatedlocust : prooving a point
her_screams_are_silent: i know
illfatedlocust : If it keeps happening, maybe... just maybe, your fucking up.
her_screams_are_silent: i always was a fuck up
illfatedlocust : get over it
illfatedlocust : past means nothing
illfatedlocust : only future
illfatedlocust : you have a simple yet, quite complex choice my dear
her_screams_are_silent: figures
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
illfatedlocust : Live, and face your demons-
illfatedlocust : Die, without anything to show for this life except utter failure
her_screams_are_silent: actually that would be a good quote on my grave
illfatedlocust : Maybe you'll understand this place you threw me into
her_screams_are_silent: heh you asked to be thrown into it
illfatedlocust : I did ?
her_screams_are_silent: you could have backed out
her_screams_are_silent: u stayed
illfatedlocust : I tried
her_screams_are_silent: all these years you've stayed
illfatedlocust : I am a man of hard work now
illfatedlocust : Not like I was
illfatedlocust : I was too thinheaded for my own good
illfatedlocust : hah
illfatedlocust : I am different now
illfatedlocust : yes,
illfatedlocust : for I know what I must do
illfatedlocust : while I am here
her_screams_are_silent: #1 get rid of cassie
illfatedlocust : And it is much more than even I could understand at this time
illfatedlocust : ...
her_screams_are_silent:
illfatedlocust : And you, your #1 priority- destroy Jonathan
her_screams_are_silent: no
her_screams_are_silent: i pretty much succeeded that centrys ago
illfatedlocust : you killed me in a past life.
illfatedlocust : yeah...
her_screams_are_silent: even though i said i love you as i did it
illfatedlocust : ::: anger :::
her_screams_are_silent: its the truth
illfatedlocust : yeah
her_screams_are_silent: now its your turn hahahahaha
illfatedlocust : I know
her_screams_are_silent: wee and its working
illfatedlocust : I heard somewhere...
illfatedlocust : We pay for our past lives, our sins, in the next life...
illfatedlocust : I wonder if that is true...
illfatedlocust :
her_screams_are_silent: hah i know your going to kill me jon
her_screams_are_silent: im just waiting for it
illfatedlocust : oh, I wont kill you.
her_screams_are_silent: but you'll make me suffer
illfatedlocust :
illfatedlocust : Need I say more than I already have ?
illfatedlocust : come to me
her_screams_are_silent: why....
illfatedlocust : because I need proof
illfatedlocust : you want something better
her_screams_are_silent: whats the point in going to someone who hates me
illfatedlocust : I do not hate you
her_screams_are_silent: LIES
illfatedlocust : oh, so contrare
illfatedlocust : I love you
illfatedlocust : very much
her_screams_are_silent: *no
illfatedlocust : I love you...
illfatedlocust : I do...
her_screams_are_silent: dont do this
illfatedlocust : I do cassie...
illfatedlocust : you are just so, lost...
illfatedlocust : I just want to hold you and let you know.
illfatedlocust : that you are home in my arms...
her_screams_are_silent: dont make excuses.....
her_screams_are_silent: except you hate me
her_screams_are_silent: and im a fuck up
illfatedlocust : I do not hate you,
illfatedlocust : I love you...
her_screams_are_silent: then i can go see you and you can insert the dagger just as i had done to you
illfatedlocust : No...
her_screams_are_silent: yes
illfatedlocust : Not at all...
illfatedlocust : I think you know I would not do that.
her_screams_are_silent: ill make you
illfatedlocust : you wont.
her_screams_are_silent: i will
illfatedlocust : And I wouldn't.
illfatedlocust : I miss you love,
her_screams_are_silent: i will
illfatedlocust : I want to try with you
illfatedlocust : please.
illfatedlocust : one last time
illfatedlocust : jus one last time
illfatedlocust : ...
illfatedlocust : I love you cassie.
her_screams_are_silent: why say it if it hurts you to think it
her_screams_are_silent: you cringed just then
illfatedlocust : because
illfatedlocust : I did
illfatedlocust : my stomach
illfatedlocust : it hurts
illfatedlocust : Im sick
illfatedlocust : It hurts to love someone who doesnt love you
her_screams_are_silent: tell me you hate me and then ill gather up the money for u to kill me
illfatedlocust : ...
illfatedlocust : I love you
illfatedlocust : And I want to be with you
her_screams_are_silent: ....jon... why dont you belive me that i love you...........
illfatedlocust : because you dont show me
her_screams_are_silent: ....i just worried myself almost to death over you
illfatedlocust : I am so sorry
illfatedlocust : I was lost
illfatedlocust : And las vegas was painful
illfatedlocust : I miss you cassie
illfatedlocust : I want you by my side
her_screams_are_silent: i miss you too..... as do i
her_screams_are_silent: but why do we hate eachother so much....
illfatedlocust : I dont hate you...
illfatedlocust : you hate me ?
her_screams_are_silent: no we hate eachother
her_screams_are_silent: we both know we do....
illfatedlocust : I do not hate you,
illfatedlocust : I love you cassie.
her_screams_are_silent: ADMIT IT YOU DO
illfatedlocust : Im not like I was-
illfatedlocust : I was horrible.
illfatedlocust : some traits still remain though, I would be a liar to say otherwise
her_screams_are_silent: YOU HATE ME
illfatedlocust : I do not
illfatedlocust : you want me to
illfatedlocust : but I cannot.
illfatedlocust : I try, I cannot.
her_screams_are_silent: jon... you do... please dont make me cry anymore... you do
illfatedlocust : I do not...
illfatedlocust : I should, I know
illfatedlocust : but I do not...
her_screams_are_silent: ive learnt my fucking lesson for the night..... you do....
illfatedlocust : I love you more than anything cassie...
her_screams_are_silent: no no
illfatedlocust : It is soooo painful...
illfatedlocust : but I cannot stop loving you...
her_screams_are_silent: .....
illfatedlocust : more painful than any death
illfatedlocust : yet I still come back
illfatedlocust : just to love you
illfatedlocust : and hope you love me...
her_screams_are_silent: jon.... i love you with my all.... i know i do... i feel i do.... i hurt i do....
illfatedlocust : I love you cassie...
illfatedlocust : please, make it to me...
illfatedlocust : I want to show you what we can have together...
illfatedlocust : for once...
her_screams_are_silent: i love you... i dont want to hurt you anymore... but i know no matter how hard i try it will in the end
illfatedlocust : No,
illfatedlocust : you know we will be happy
illfatedlocust : you know we are in love
illfatedlocust : we both try to deny it
illfatedlocust : we dont want to believe such bliss is found here on this earth
illfatedlocust : but this is our time to love...
illfatedlocust : and I ...
illfatedlocust : I love you...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So that was my er.... morning... lol i havent slept alll night...
bleh....

the bottom of this story.... er conversation....

its jonothen... we both agree we once were togeather in a past life.... we loved eachother.. so much.... the 1st time we killed eachother out of pure love... a love in turn was not supposed to be... then the 2nd time... we came back full of pure hate... i killed him... dagger straight to the chest... its his turn now... and hes doing a damn good job at it too....

we're beating eachother at our own game and we both know it.... heh.... hes trying to get me to him so he can get back at me... aka kill me... but meh... if it happens it happens... he knows its a favour to me....

on another note:

still contemplating weather er not to let ali (my ex ex gf) to read this journal.....

bleh....

P.S PLEASE DO NOT ADD illfatedlocust PURELY TO THE FACT... HE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE DISTURBED BY SUCH MORTALS ECT.... AND DOES NOT KNOW THIS CONVO IS PASTED INTO CYBER SPACE HEH HEH....

Thankyou,

Cassandra

-1- a new beginning

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 18:40:01 GMT

its tuesday morning....

cassies crying....

rob's passed out on the bed....

cassies making her NEW lj look better.....

fails....

by the human eye....

cassie is a FAILURE...

on a lighter note...

Fresh start...

New drama....

cleansing start....

-the end-